ACM Awards Commentary:

1. Reigning Female Vocalist of the Year Carrie Underwood opens the show with 'Last Name,' how very appropriate. She looks like a million in a white catsuit with a fat rhinestone belt and rhinestone platforms. Did I mention her mic is also encrusted in sparkle as well? Hair is straight, bangs are swoopy. This chick who weighs 92 pounds sopping wet is truly the only one who can pull off a white bedazzled catsuit. I seethe with jealousy. 2. Reba opens up the show. This is her 10th time hosting, the first time being in 1986, three years before Taylor Swift was even born. Gaaad that makes me a little ill, I just checked and the teenage crooner was actually born in 1989. Reba looks good in her sapphire blue sheath, but her accent still gets to me a bit. 3. Toby comes on and sings the new 'She's a Hottie.' I'm a little disappointed, he has zero energy while piping out this tune. It's my guess he probably got a little too tanked last night in Vegas, or he spent a little time on Willie's bus before the show. Durn, I really love this song too because it reminds me of some good ol' fashioned hick fun down on some Missouri float trips. 4. Lady Antebellum presents the award for best new female vocalist! (I think that was the one). I love this new group, they have a great rockabilly kind of sound. I also happen to know that they will be playing a super secret uber exclusive show at Swallow at the Hollow in Roswell on 6/23...... stay tuned here for details. Oh! And it just so happens that Lady A just won for top new duo or group! Cheers Lady, I hope good things are coming your way. 5. Blake Shelton introduces his little lady Miranda Lambert of Nashville Star fame. She rocks out her new single 'Gunpowder and Lead.' This is the best performance of the night so far. Finally a performance with some energy and soul, praise Jeezy. 6. Rodney Atkins. Cute dude, but he is flatter than Taylor Swift at age 14. Come on Rod, you're playin with the bigguns now, let's step it up a notch and sing in tune shall we? 7. Dick Clark comments on Garth Brooks' achievement award. Sadly, dude is finally starting to show his age as I mistook his voice for that of Don Imus. They both sound like they have a mouthful of cotton. Maybe they have been hanging with Willie? 8. Kenny Chesney steps up. He's up for Entertainer of the Year again, going for his 4th win in a row. Tonight he sings 'Better As A Memory.' I'm a fan of this one, it's a nice remorseful terribly depressing number that makes you think about MyStalking your ex-boyfriend for the 14th time. What? Nevermind. 9. George Strait. I have to admit, even as a country fan, I don't get this guy. Why? Ok, first of all, he is 56 and the women just swoon over him. I guess there's something hawt about 56-year old ass in Wranglers. Strangely enough, today is his 56th birthday and he is singing his 56th #1 hit for us tonight, 'I Saw God Today.' Srsly? I bet you're right George, you're not too far away from knockin' on the pearly gates. I should also mention that this 56th #1 for George officially makes him the country artist with the most #1 hits, surpassing Conway Twitty. Now get a load of this feller, ladies. 100% pure hawtness, no doubt. I heard Deb from Napoleon Dynamite actually snapped this Glamour Shot. 10. Let's bring it forward a few hundred years and welcome Sugarland to the stage. The swanky duo busts out their new tune 'All I Wanna Do,' which is stellar if you ask me. I love Jennifer Nettles' voice. Kristian Bush is bangin' some really ugly polka dottish suit though and it makes him look like a total Nancy. Here's the pair singing their new song at Atlanta's Fox Theatre: 11. 'Stay' just won for something else. I think I'm done with this song, in fact I think I was done with it about three months ago. As much as I love Jennifer Nettles, her fashion choice for this bit was abhorrent. I'll post pics as soon as they hit the internet. 12. Can someone please tell me why Taylor Swift is channeling the Grim Reaper in her crummy black hoodie? Oh wait, two dudes just came up to her and ripped her clothes off to reveal her in a skimpy black halter dress. That's more like it, 18 year old! And wait, there's more!! Just wearing a skimpy dress won't do it. I think she needs to be soaked Flashdance style. By the end of the song, 13 year old boys across our great nation had to retire to their bedrooms, I'm sure. 13. Ok so writing this post is pretty much the hardest I have worked in about 2 1/2 weeks, so I'm going to get another slug of wine and put a few cucumber slices on my eyes. Stay tuned!